"A Day in the Life" of a Person who has Bipolar Disorder

Bipolar disorder is a tough mental illness, but like everything else it has its pros and cons., theoretically there are never any pros to having a mental illness but in order to get through life you have to try and see the positive effects from the illness.

I am a 36 year old male, happily married, with three beautiful boys ages 7, 5, and 3 and I live a life just as normal as anyone else. I hold a fulltime, professional job, coach two soccer teams, raise three boys and have a great family life.

I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder a few months ago. Surprisingly, I had suffered from it for about 20 years. Over the past 10 years I’ve been on and off different antidepressants to treat anxiety and depression. Finally, after years and years of research, my wife and I figured out why I wasn’t getting any better. We then wrote everything down and brought it to my doctor’s attention and that’s when I was diagnosed with Bipolar II Disorder and treated accordingly. The reason it was hidden in the past was because the only time id complain to the Dr. was when I was in a depressed state, therefore, only treated for depression and anxiety. It turned out the anxiety was caused by the mania. This explained the bouts of anger and hostility, I just anticipated that I was moody and needed anger management. When I was first diagnosed I felt labeled, but then I realized that it’s just a disease like diabetes and does not change who I am.

There are a few different states to this illness, the manic state (feeling of euphoria), the depressed state (sad and upset) and the mixed state where you can have both symptoms simultaneously. There is also the schizophrenic state which I do not have, and is why I’m classified as having Bipolar II disorder.

Each morning I wake up and ease my self into the day, almost like someone getting out of bed that has a bad back which can disable them at any time. I tell myself take it easy, it will be a good day, take it one step at a time, unfortunately, it’s easier said than done.

In a depressed state, I’m generally sad for no reason. Do I have stressors in life? Absolutely! Who doesn’t? If all these stressors were gone id still be sad, I cry for no apparent reason, isolate myself from the rest of the world etc. It’s such a horrible feeling to be so sad, have the feeling of worthlessness, feel self conscious and be an extreme pessimist all the time. Depressed days are tough to get started; these are the days I would tend to sleep a lot, keep to myself etc. I always tell myself, things can be worse, and try self talk to get into a better state, but usually it fails. Depressed states can last months at a time, imagine being sad for months at a time. Unfortunately, there are times when I think id be better off not being around anymore. As easy as I can say I would never do that, part of me is scared because I don’t know if that’s a fact. It’s almost like a diabetic saying I will never go into diabetic shock. When I’m in a good mood I can safely say that I would never do that but in the heat of the moment I don’t know. All I can say is I am very proactive to this disorder and keep my mind focused to avoid the possibility. I have a family that needs me, even though in my depressed state I feel they don’t need me and that I’m just a burden on everyone, deep down I know they do need me and love me. My family is what keeps me going, that and my strong well being. There is an extreme fine line between sane and insane and you can cross that line at any time.

In a manic state, I generally feel great, energetic, and ready to conquer the world but at the same time I’m fidgety, irritable and angry. I find myself rushing to get ready for work, even when I’m hours early. I find myself rushing, even on the weekend, to shower and get ready like a maniac and for what? To go where? I have no where to go! Anything I do, such as mowing the lawn or general house work, I rush, I have to get done right away, why? It’s like hurry up and stop!

I can be happy but yet so angry at the same time. I always felt if I wasn’t depressed it was a good thing and when I started rushing around I figured it was just an anxiety attack, lone be hold it turns out I had a manic side. These days are usually my most productive, I have lots of energy, I will take on projects and tasks of great size feel very positive and successful and come up with crazy ideas, such as inventing something. I also talk excessively during this time. At work it’s my most productive time as well, but it can cause me to become unorganized and confused quickly and that’s when the panic sets in. Generally I’m an extremely organized individual, to the point where it’s almost classified as obsessive compulsive disorder.

The major down fault to this state, with disregard to having the energy, feeling of euphoria and feeling of being on top of the word, is that I can be very easily distracted, and become irritable and angry. I only see things in my own perspective, and it’s usually a negative perspective, and that’s when the attitude and anger play a big role. Basically I will see negative in anything a person says. I will then think they are against me or trying to hurt me and I will take all their comments to heart and react by getting annoyed at the person. It took many years but I recently discovered that it is typically due to my disorder, I hate making excuses but when I return to a normal state, I usually revisit the situation that occurred which enraged me and reenact it. Typically it turns out that the person was trying to help me and didn’t say anything derogative to me and that my actions were uncalled for.

Some people with bipolar disorder tend to get into trouble during manic states; I tend to be on the lighter side of that spectrum, this is another reason why I was diagnosed as Bipolar II. The closest trouble I may encounter is road rage, or possibly a fight or argument to say the least. I tend to hurt the ones closest to me by saying things I really don’t mean or acting in an uncivilized manner by hitting an inanimate object or throwing something or just ignoring the person and carrying sarcasm. The reason I hurt the people who are the closest to me is because these are the people that are involved with me and help me the most so they are in the direct line of fire.

The toughest part is to get my children to understand, they see it as daddy don’t feel good. They do question certain actions such as; why did Daddy throw the phone? Why is Daddy sleeping a lot lately? Why did he yell at me?  I’ve, explained it to them to the best of my ability and they do have a sort of an understanding. It’s also extremely tough on your loved ones, they don’t know how to act and spend a lot of days walking on eggshells.

In conclusion, dealing with bipolar disorder both as the individual diagnosed and as a loved one can be extremely difficult for all parties. Work is required by friends, family and the person with the disorder. Providing the bipolar person takes their medications as prescribed and is proactive to the disorder, and has the support of his loved ones he can manage to live a successful and happy life, such as myself.

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